At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people.
Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?
The world’s population is growing rapidly. Nowadays, in some countries their populace consists of more youngsters than older ones. This essay will argue that the advantages outweigh the drawbacks. It will first demonstrate the how the youth can play an essential role in the growth of a country, followed by analysis of problems caused by a large number of young adults in public.
On the one hand, nobody can deny the fact that young men are more energetic than older people and they can perform better for the improvement and development of a nation. A good illustration of this is students, They can invest their time in learning new skills and understanding emerging technology. They can contribute towards the benefits of society by using their knowledge. In addition, young adults are more active than older individuals so they can easily perform physically demanding jobs. Moreover, youngsters can participate in a youth volunteering organization which are struggling to provide facilities to the local citizens. Similarly, in the army most of the soldiers are young because they can perform better as compared to older individuals.
On the other hand, there are some drawbacks of having a younger population. For instance, in India approximately 30,000 engineers graduate every year, but there are few jobs in the market. As a result, it created a storm of unemployment. Likewise, educational institutes have a limited number of seats, due to it only few students succeed to secure admission. Consequently, rest of students moved to other cities for the purpose of education. In result, they have to spend huge amount of money on their accommodations.
To summarize, although the majority of the young residents has some negatives, but its positives outweigh them. If the youth invest their energy and time in the right way. Then they can create opportunities and overcome the shortcomings.
Evaluation
At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people.
Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?
The world’s population is growing rapidly-(COMMENT: I DON’T SEE HOW THIS TOPIC/BACKGROUND STATEMENT CAN BE MATERIALLY RELEVANT TO THE MATTER AT HAND) (SUGGESTION: THE NUMBER BETWEEN YOUNG ADULTS AND THE ELDERLIES NOWADAYS HAS TREMENDOUSLY INCREASED. Nowadays, in some countries their populace consists of more youngsters than older ones/SUGGESTION: TODAY, YOUNG ADULTS IN SOME COUNTRIES OUTNUMBERED THE ELDERLIES, AND ALONG THIS WAS THE ISSUE WHETHER THIS IS BENEFICIAL OR NOT.) This essay will argue that the advantages outweigh the drawbacks. It will first demonstrate (the) how the youth can play an essential role in the growth of a country, followed by analysis of problems caused by a large number of young adults in public.(SUGGESTION: THE IMPACTS OF THIS TREND WILL BE ANALYSED IN THIS ESSAY TO FURTHER ENLIGHTEN MY CONTENTION AND AGREEMENT THAT THIS HAS FAR MORE BENEFICIAL RAMIFICATIONS THAN THE PERCEIVED DRAWBACKS.
On the one hand, nobody can deny the fact that young men are more energetic than older people (and-I WOULD RATHER RECOMMEND NOT USE THE CONJUNCTION AS THE SAME WILL BE MIXING UP TWO AREGUMENTS IN ONE SENTENCE, WOULD MAKE THE SAME AS A CAUSE AND EFFECT FOR STRONGER ARGUMENTATION SUPPORTING THE FIRST IDEA.) (THUS,) they can perform better for the improvement and development of a nation. A good illustration of this is students. They can invest their time in learning new skills and understanding emerging technology. They can contribute towards the benefits of society by using their knowledge.(COMMENT: I DON’T SEE THE RELEVANCE OF THE EXAMPLE ILLUSTRATING YOUNG ADULTS AS ENERGETIC THEREBY CONTRIBUTING FOR THE IMPROVEMENT OF THE COUNTRY.) In addition, young adults are more active than older individuals so they can easily perform physically demanding jobs.(COMMENT: ENERGETIC AND ACTIVE CAN BE COMBINED TO MAKE IT MORE PRECISE AND DIRECT TO THE POINT AS THE SAME HAS THE SAME RESULT/EFFECT.) Moreover, youngsters can participate in a youth volunteering organization which are struggling to provide facilities to the local citizens. Similarly, in the army most of the soldiers are young because they can perform better as compared to older individuals.
COMMENTS: LAST 2 SENTENCES ARE CLEARLY AFTERTHOUGHT IDEAS AS BOTH DON’T EVEN CONTAIN ANY SUPPORTING ARGUMENTS. FURTHER YOU MENTIONED, ALMOST ENUMERATED SEVERAL IDEAS HERE WHICH LED TO MIXING OF IDEAS AND OVERLAPPING WITH THE SAME RESULTING EFFECT ACTUALLY.
On the other hand, there are some drawbacks of having a younger population.(COMMENT: EXPOUND TO JUSTIFY. ENUMERATING WITHOUT JUSTIFICATION WILL NOT PERSUADE) For instance, in India-(IN India FOR INSTANCE,) approximately 30,000 engineers graduate every year, but there are few jobs in the market. As a result, it created a storm of unemployment. Likewise, educational institutes have a limited number of seats(,) (AND) due to it(,) only few students succeed to secure admission. Consequently, (THE) rest of (THESE) students moved to other cities for the purpose of education. In result, they have to spend huge amount of money on their accommodations.(COMMENT: THIS ULTIMATE EFFECT IS NOT RELEVANT. THE PREMISE IS WHAT IS THE EFFECT OF HAVING MORE YOUNG ADULTS IN THE SOCIETY, NOT THE EFFECT TO THEMSELVES.)
To summarize, although the majority of the young residents has some negatives, but its positives outweigh them.( If the youth invest their energy and time in the right way. Then they can create opportunities and overcome the shortcomings.-WEAK CONCLUSION AND DOES NOT RELATE WITH THE DISCUSSION ESPECIALLY OVERCOMING SHORTCOMINGS
Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programs (for example working for a charity, improving the neighborhood or teaching sports to younger children).To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is often said that volunteering should be part of school programs. It seems to me that unpaid work not only brings positive impact in society but it also make students responsible. This essay will look at significance of volunteering in society welfare and how students learn positive things from them.
Apart from educational activities volunteering activities should also be part of school programs because it will influence students to help others. If older students will help younger students then those younger students will also support their juniors. In my personal opinion, schools should held lectures about the values of unpaid activities. They should invite local organizations who are working as volunteer for the welfare of community. From such organizations students will get motivations and they will surely start working unpaid activities at their level. For example, my school XYZ invited poor individual and raised charity for them and I observed how small and collective charity can provide assistance to a poor individual.
Teachers and school authorities should highlight the importance of volunteer work among the students; they should arrange and take part in unpaid activities so the students will follow them as role models. It will bring positive change among the students. For instance, I personally worked as volunteer at my school to conduct seminars and workshops to enhance the knowledge of students. After that, the junior students also started conducting such activities.
To sum up, students should take part in volunteering activities and they will not only develop their soft skills but also learn many things other than educational activities.
Evaluation
You did not follow the format for IELTS essay.
Leave a space between your paragraphs, so we could understand, when a new paragraph started.
It seems( SAY I AGREE, INSTEAD) to me that unpaid work not only brings positive impact in ON THE society but it also make(S) students responsible. This essay will look at significance of volunteering in society welfare and how students learn positive things from them. YOU MUST GIVE YOUR AGREEMENT
Apart from educational activities COMMA volunteering activities
.( If older students will help younger students then those younger students will also support their juniors. VERY WEAK REASON)
(NO OPINION IN BODY PARAGRAPH In my personal opinion), schools should held lectures
(For example, my school XYZ (XYZ?, MENTION THE NAME, GIVE SPECIFIC INFORMATION) invited poor individual(S) and raised THE charity for them and I observed how small and collective charity can provide assistance to a poor individual.
AVOID PERSONAL EXAMPLES
Conclusion- OFF TOPIC, QUESTION WAS ABOUT SCHOOL’S INVOLVEMENT
Lexical resources = 5
Coherence and cohesion= 6
Task response = 4
Grammar = 6