Some people say that now is the best time in history to be living. What is your opinion about this? What other time in history would be interesting to live in?
Essay:
It is often argued that the current life time lifetime is one of the best in the history so far. I completely agree to with this statement, primarily because of the technological advancements in the health sector. However, I believe that our parents had also lived in an amazing era of time.
Comments:
1. Can you also give one or two more reasons why you believe the current time is the best time, apart from technological advancements in health sector? It is important to increase the scope as just one factor (technological advancements in health sector) cannot be the only reason for you to believe why the current time is the best time?
Just technical advancements in health industry looks to be a narrow scope, try to cover different facets of current timeline and why you feel this is the best time.
2. Instead of “However”, use “Additionally”. However, is a contrast word. Actually, both time periods are good in their own way. If you want to use “However”, clearly contrast why you believe parents had an amazing time. Present time is fine is because of technological advancements. If not, just keep it simple, by using “Additionally”.
3. Overall, the introduction is quite concise and short which is good thing leaving the reader intrigued what is coming up next.
Essay:
In my view, the current generation is fortunate to live in the best time in history. This is mainly because of immense development in the health department. These days, we have state-of-the-art technologies to diagnose and treat various diseases. Consequently, life expectancy has also increased. In Japan, for example, it is increased by 20% when compared to a decade ago. Also, Additionally, it has been noted in a recent study conducted by the World Health Organization; most illnesses discovered so far either have a cure available or can be prevented by following suitable appropriate medical guidelines.
Comments:
1. Well, first two sentences are nearly same of what you wrote in the Introduction paragraph. “Current time is the best” and “development in health department”. You can completely remove the second sentence and talk about state-of-the-art technologies in the health sector to treat various diseases. Second sentence looks redundant and can be removed.
2. Very well utilization of “consequently”.
3. “In Japan, for example, it is increased by 20% compared to a decade ago”
Example is nice, but why life expectancy has increased in Japan? You can try to link with your main argument “technological advancement”. As Japan is quite technologically advanced with numerous innovative medical equipment’s, and hence 20% increase in life expectancy.
As of now, Example, is quite good, however, the linkage to your main idea looks missing. You can extend the same example sentence a little to include what I mentioned.
4. Try to conclude the Body paragraph in the last. You have given your arguments, why this is the best time, but conclude/summarise in short. It is important from cohesion and coherence point of view, as we are now moving to next paragraph with new idea about our parents’ time.
Essay:
Furthermore, I think that our parents’ time was also good in terms of living. Even though there were less fewer technological developments, people lived a more peaceful and content life. Unlike in the present, there were less fewer working hours and more job security. People were never stressed out because of their office work. My mother, for instance, used to work only 30 hours a week. She never had to work on weekends or other holidays. Never in her career have I seen her worrying about her job.
Comments:
- The topic sentence looks incomplete why the parent’s time was good. I understand you have given the reason in the next sentence, but next sentence can be further extended of what is mentioned in the topic sentence.
My topic sentence:
“Furthermore, I think that our parents’ time was also good in terms of living as people lived a more peaceful and content life.”
Now you can extend in second sentence, why you believe it was more peaceful and content during our parents’ time.
2. The example explained has three simple sentences, why not combine together the first two sentences with coordinating conjunction ‘and’ to make it a compound sentence. Or you can try to make a complex sentence here, by using “However” and compare it with current times, people have to work on weekends and more than 40 hours/week.
3. There is no concluding remark in the end, it ends with an example about your mother. It is important that you give a short summary or conclude. Just crisp and short.
Essay:
In conclusion, while the current era is the best in history because of enormous health services and facilities, our parents also spend had a much peaceful life because of factors such as job stability and an easy work life.
Comments:
1. Very good usage of “while” here. Also, the conclusion is short and explain the difference nicely. There are minor errors which I have corrected.
2. Sentence and paragraph structures: The sentence structures can be easily improved, by using several compound or complex sentences. Also, we can include active/passive voices. Also, as mentioned in Task 1 exercise, try to include adverbs if you can. The flow of the paragraphs is little restricted as you can try to add short conclusion/summary before moving to next body paragraph. It makes the paragraph flow smooth and coherent.
3. Grammar and Vocabulary: There are several grammar errors, particularly article errors, just check them. Vocabulary is also limited, I have pointed out certain places in the essay, where better vocabulary can be used. Try not to use words like “good”, “bad”, “high”, “low, “more”, “less”, “important”. They are fine, but majorly used in spoken English. Make your personal dictionary of each of such words, which you use quite often.
4. The band score would be around 6 but can be improved to 7+ easily if you follow above comments.
- Lexical Resource: 6
- Grammar Range and Accuracy: 6.5
- Task Achievement/Response: 6.5
- Coherence and Cohesion: 6