Cambridge IELTS 15 Writing Task 2 Test 4 Evaluated Sample Essay


Some people say that advertising is extremely successful at persuading us to buy things. Other people think advertising is so common that we no longer pay attention to it. Discuss Both views and give your own opinion.

Advertisements have been playing a vital role in the world of marketing. This idea has been working effectively for decades. Advertisements can be seen in various types like on televisions and the internet, but nowadays companies are not sparing our homes from sending advertisements in the form of leaflets or pamphlets. Companies can sell you anything by masking products in lavish and eye-catching Ads whether the product doesn’t do justice to the information being provided in the Ads. However, advertisements can be helpful to get something people have been searching for or looking for.

Comments (Introduction Paragraph):

  1. The Introduction Paragraph is quite big. It should be limited to around 50 odd words and try to have only three sentences in it. Also, the more we write here, there are chances the major content misses out in the body paragraphs.

  2. There is no clear opinion stated in the introduction, which is explicitly wrong. To express clear opinion, use words like “I believe”, “In my opinion” etc. Without an opinion, the reader will not get any direction to which side this essay will go in forthcoming paragraphs, and hence, will be confusing for him.

  3. The first two sentences are simple sentences, they could have been combined together with coordination conjunction and made into one compound sentence.

This marketing tactic does have a significant influence on few people that they cannot resist the advertisements.  This marketing tactic significantly influences a few people who cannot resist the advertisements. Everyone has their own liking or passion for shopping, even if that is necessary or fun regardless of all ages.   For example, a foody person cannot oppose the delicious multi-layered cheeseburger’s advert. On the other hand, an old person an older adult with shoulder pain or back pain would go for the devices shown  in advertisements repeatedly because most advertisements target the vulnerable ones.

 

Comments (Body Paragraph 1):

  1. The first topic sentence is written little wrong, which I have tried to correct and re-write it.

  2. The argument (impact on certain group of people) was carried over to food person and vulnerable person examples. This is quite apt and the examples added meaning and value to the idea represented in the first two sentences.

  3. However, the second example is unclear, what old people with back/shoulder pain will do with the devices. It is mentioned “they will go for the devices”. Try to include accurate words. For example, “they will purchase and use the devices” would have made much better sense.

  4. There is no concluding remark/summary to the body paragraph in the end. It is quite important as to move to the next body paragraph, try to wrap up main points discussed in this paragraph. Also, this impacts Cohesion and Coherence of the paragraph. As the idea started quite well in the start of the paragraph but was ended without a summary. Also, it appears the next body paragraph is abruptly started if the previous paragraph is not ended properly.

 

Obviously, in this vast world, people have different tendencies towards different events in this vast world. For some people, these tactics do not work anymore. Yes, people might be conscious enough to repel these strategies, or they are just bored or fed up with repetitive unnecessary advertisements.

The cause behind this could be fraudulent or irrelevant content.

 

Comments (Body Paragraph 2):

  1. The above set of sentences should have been combined together and developed into one body paragraph. Both the body paragraphs should be in sync and should look like they are complementing each other.

  2. It is not a good word “obviously” to start the paragraph. Obviously can be used in our verbal speech and is not suited for writing task. It can be “Evidently” instead?

  3. There is no example to express this side of the discussion essay. The other side had two examples (in previous body paragraphs), but this side lacked examples. Examples are very important as they make the argument strong, like they did in previous body paragraph. Example of “fraudulent or irrelevant content” would have been great here.

  4. Check the usage of punctuation (comma) as they were missing at several places in above.

Overall, advertisement is a necessity, but there should be a check and balance for genuine publicity and fraud prevention.

Comments (Conclusion and Overall Comments):

  1. Conclusion was crisp and short, which is good. However, you have introduced a new point here “there should be check and balance”. It was no where discussed about checks and balance on advertisements in the body paragraphs. Introducing a new point here is undesired as this is just a conclusion of arguments which we have discussed earlier.

  2. The task was not achieved fully, as it lacked the There were sentences that expressed general opinion, but not the personal own. It would be wise to use words like “I think”, “I believe” as it gives sense to the examiner/reader that writer agree with one side and not agree on the other side.

  3. The task was written in 250 words exact. Try to write bit more around 280 words. As if we write less than 250 words, even 249 words would reduce the band score straightaway, even though the content is nice.

  4. There were limited compound sentences used, and the vocabulary was good but can be improved easily.
  • Lavish – nice word
  • Eye- catching – nice word
  • Advertisements – was used 9 times in the essay
  • People – was used 5 times
  • Several layer burger – instead multi-layered burger can be used
  • Great – instead significant can be used
  1. The band score is 6.5.
  • Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Grammar Range and Accuracy: 6.5
  • Task Achievement/Response: 7
  • Coherence and Cohesion: 6