Cambridge IELTS 16 Writing Task 2 Test 3 Evaluated Sample Essay


Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugars which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar.

Do you agree or disagree?

While sugar is commonly utilized in food and drink, it is widely reported that sugar can also adversely affect health. It is thus suggested that the price of products containing sugar should be higher to decrease people’s demand for them. I agree with this idea. However, the negative influence that this method brings to our society should also be considered and curbed.

 

Comments (Introduction Paragraph):

  1. Generally, I advise students to have neutral background sentence in the start; however, in this case it is not required. As the start is quite impeccable with Complex sentence and usage of “While”. I am quite happy with the introduction paragraph.

     

  2. The opinion is clearly stated with balanced approach opted and demonstrated the negative influence after “However”. Utilization of such words were advised in previous task, and it is remarkably done. Overall, sentence structure and overall paragraph structure is quite clear, with personal.

     

  3. I have just tried to include “adversely” in the paragraph. I believe it suits here.

I believe making the price of sugary products higher can be a very straightforward and effective approach to regulate in regulating people’s behaviors. Anyway In other words, if people have to pay more for food and drink containing sugar, it is likely that their consumption will decrease their consumption will likely shrink. Compared to educating people about the negative influences of  overeating sugar, this method seems to be more practical as it exactly affect affects people who are enthusiastic about people’s enthusiasm for consuming sugar. In this sense, I support making products containing sugar sugar products more expensive to prevent people from suffering diseases related to eating too much sugar such as diabetes.

 

Comments (Body Paragraph 1):

  1. There are several errors in terms of sentence structures, which I have tried to correct which includes vocabulary errors as well. Important one’s are:
    1. Eating too much – this phrase has been used twice in this paragraph. I have updated at one place to “overrating”, and retained at other place.
    2. “People who are enthusiastic” or “products containing sugar” – can be made crisp/shortened to people’s enthusiasm and sugar products-
    3. There are some non-content words like “exactly”, “it is likely that” – they can be either shortened or removed.
  2. There is no example in this paragraph that supports the Present an example, that gives meaning to the viewpoint. I agree to the view, but I am not satiated enough.
  3. There are several compound sentences with linking words used, and the conclusion/summary in the last is aptly written. The vocabulary as mentioned in first point which includes words/phrases that can be improved to a certain extent.

However, from my perspective, this method also puts pressure on producers of sugar sugar producers, and its influences are non-negligible. Specifically, given the regulation, the sugar industry will definitely be severely affected. People working here may earn less money or even lose their job, and their suffering cannot be justified. Considering this, I think other supporting policies and practices much be implemented together. For example, the increase in sugary products’ price should be paid by the state, rather than the sugar industry the state should shoulder the cost of the increase in sugary products’ price rather than the entire sugar industry.

Comments (Body Paragraph 2):

  1. The start of the paragraph with “However” is justified and that gives the idea to the reader you will be writing opposite side of the previous body paragraph.
    1. Example is quite good in this paragraph; however, I have tried to use little better words than what was written kindly check.
      1. “Shoulder the cost” – bear the burden/cost.
  2. As mentioned in previous exercise, try to end the paragraph with some concluding remark of as it was done in Body Paragraph 1 and not with an example.
  3. Paragraph length is of similar size as compared to Body Paragraph 1, which is quite a significant improved from previous exercise. It has not only synchronized the flow but also added Cohesion and Coherence between paragraphs.
  4. There are compound sentences, and one sentence with words “Considering this” is eye-catching

In conclusion, while I believe decreasing people’s consumption of sugar by making sugary food and drink more expensive can be practically meaningful, the negative influence of this method should be acknowledged and tackled as well.

Comments (Conclusion and Overall Comments)

  1. “While” – I don’t know why I like this word so much I would give full score just because of sentences that were framed with While in this essay. Try one sentence with “Although” instead of “While”?
  2. Words that were used often; repetitions, could have been avoided. I have below list that were eye-catching for me (good and bad):
    1. Sugar – was used 11 times
    2. People/people’s – was used 8 times
    3. Negative – was used 4 times
    4. considered and curbed – nice words
    5. Considering this – nice words
    6. Straightforward and effective approach – nice words
    7. Practically meaningful – nice words
    8. Acknowledged and tackled – nice words

       

  3. Grammar: The grammar errors are significantly
  4. The task was successfully achieved with personal opinion clearly stated right from the start. The sentence and the paragraph structures were quite good, and the flow was streamlined and synchronized.
  5. The band score is 6.5.
  1. Lexical Resource: 6
  2. Grammar Range and Accuracy: 7
  3. Task Achievement/Response: 7
  4. Coherence and Cohesion: 6